Healing
by hereistheplaceiloveyou
Summary: Katniss is in District 12 after the rebellion, and finally begins to heal with Peeta. Post Mockingjay.
1. Chapter 1

I submerge myself into the warm bathwater once more.

It feels nice under the surface. It drowns out all the sounds of life. The sounds that remind me everyone else is moving on while I am left here, broken and scarred.

I don't come up for air because when I am down here, I can forget. I can close my eyes and not see the bloodied images before my eyes. Even without the air, I can breathe.

I should come up now. I should come up and breathe. I don't want to. I want to stay here forever. I don't mind the aching in my chest from the lack of oxygen. I prefer it over the numbness that hits some nights. Other nights I wish I were numb because it hurts so much. I can't explain it. It hurts so much I don't know how I live through it.

I force myself up and gulp in the air. I regret it because now I can hear their screams again. The final voices before everyone died.

I can see the flames engulfing my sister.

I bite down on my own fist to prevent the scream. I bite down until I can taste the blood. After that, I heft myself out of the bath. I quickly dry off and dress while making sure I don't see myself in the mirror. It would just be one more reminder.

When I go downstairs, Peeta is already there speaking softly with Greasy Sae. I nod my hello and sit down at the table, with Peeta trailing after. He keeps talking with Sae, but I don't listen. Instead, I just push the food around the plate in front of me.

"Katniss? You need to eat." Peeta's words suddenly break me from my trance. I realize he must have been saying this for some time they way they both look at me, expectantly.

I manage to swallow a few bites as they watch me. I guess I appeased them, because they stop staring at me. I don't eat anymore after that.

Greasy Sae leaves soon after, but Peeta stays. Sometimes he goes, but today he didn't. I begin to pull out the book, assuming that is what he wanted, but he stops me.

"No, Katniss, we need to talk."

Maybe he finally realized he should give up on me. That he should have a long time ago. I meet his gaze and nod, following him into the living room and setting myself down on the couch.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Katniss. You're withering away."

I don't respond. There is nothing I can respond with. I just lock my eyes onto his. The blue is swimming with concern, and I want so badly to look away, but I force myself to keep looking.

He sighs and shakes his head. "Katniss, please, talk to me," he pleads.

What can I say? I don't want to talk, but Peeta deserves it.

"What do you want me to say?" I whisper.

"It isn't that I want you to say something…I just…I want you to be happy."

"I can't. I don't know how."

"Let me help."

"Nothing will help."

"Let me try."

I bite my lip and consider this. What could it hurt? I don't think it will help, but maybe it will help Peeta.

"Okay."

"That means you have to talk to me."

"I am."

"No, you have to tell me things."

"Oh. Okay. I'll try. For you."

"Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself."

"But I don't deserve it. You do."

He sighs once more and wraps his arms around me. I pull away at first, but it feels good, I think. It feels good to be in Peeta's arms. So I let him. I let him believe he is holding me together. Maybe he is, in a way. It doesn't really matter. I will always be broken.

I didn't realize how much I had yearned for human touch, but now that Peeta is holding onto me, I wonder why I let it take so long.

I look up and see Peeta has been crying. It leaves me with another terrible feeling- guilt. I deserve the suffering I have, but Peeta deserves every good thing.

"Maybe…maybe you should go." I say, not wanting him to leave, but not wanting to see him cry, either. I am too weak for that.

He nods and starts to leave, but I grab his arm. What am I doing? I don't know. One moment, I am wanting Peeta to leave. The next, I am wanting Peeta to stay. I am even more of a mess than I thought.

"Wait. Stay? Please?" I ask, and then trail off into an apology.

"Really?" He asks, surprised. I nod. "Of course, I'll stay."

I can't decide if I am more relieved or more anxious now. I make my way upstairs with him and climb into bed. He looks hesitant, like I will kick him out any second, which I almost want to do, but I don't think I can face another night alone. Soon, though, his arms are holding me like they did on the train. I notice it takes me less long to fall asleep tonight.

I wake up screaming, still, like every night, and when Peeta tries to comfort me, I am confused. At first, I am yelling at him and trying to get away from him until the daze of sleep passes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

"No." _At least I am being honest._

"Okay. When you are ready." At least he is smarter than the press me.

"Thank you."

I listen to his breathing until he falls back asleep. I can feel the anxiety rising in me. I want to run out right now. I want to scream at Peeta to leave. I want to ask him why he would bother with me. I want to not want these things.

I slowly move myself from under Peeta's arm. He doesn't wake, luckily.

I begin pacing the room. It's a good think I still have silent feet. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I begin to feel physically dizzy. It gets so bad I have to dash to the bathroom where I release what little food I had eaten. Then it becomes those painful dry heaves where your body is writhing and you can't control it. I soon realize Peeta is in there, asking me if I am okay, petting my hair, and trying to do what he can to help, but it's over.

"Are you okay? What happened?" He asks.

"I'm fi-" I begin, but then I am sobbing. I can't control it. I can't control anything I do anymore, and I hate it. I hate everything about myself. The only good part of me is Peeta, and I can't really claim Peeta to be a part of me. He is just some poor soul helping a girl he shouldn't be.

My body is shaking again, only differently now. I try to control myself, but I think I just lose it even more.

When Peeta finally calms me down, I am too weak to even make it back to my bed, which is just one more thing to hate. Peeta carries me back, and I wonder how he is still so strong. He lays me down and tucks me back in. I want to protest, but I can't find my voice. So I fall asleep with Peeta stroking my hair.

When I wake up, Peeta is gone. I am glad, except, not really. I want to be alone, to suffer in silence on my own, to not bring anyone else into my living hell. But I also want to have someone to turn to.

I feel disgusting after last night, so I draw myself another bath. My movements are slow and lethargic, but they always are now. I do not feel the release of nerves when I enter the bath today. Usually, there is a small release of tension, if only for a moment. So I plunge myself into the depths.

I stay there longer today. The feeling of not being able to breathe is welcome today. I don't know why. I feel at home here, in my warm watery abode. They water can push away the sounds of every thing.

Then suddenly, they come back. No, they can't be back. The nightmares that usually leave me when I am here. I force myself to stay down. They have to leave. I need a break. But they are still there. I can see everyone I love, and their terrible deaths. I see Snow and Coin coming back to get the few that lived. I see the bloodied and broken bodies floating in the water with me. I want to scream, but I can't. So I stay down.

My lungs are begging me to go up, but I force myself to become a dead weight, and slowly the images begin to fade. This is what I need. I need to stay here. The screaming in my chest pushes all the other thoughts away. I ignore the screams for air.

I am not sure what I am doing anymore. Surely, I cannot die from this, so why does it matter. Once I loose consciousness, I will float back up, and be able to breathe again…right? I suppose something could go wrong, but I find myself not caring. I cannot go up. I need to be here. I am meant to be here.

I shouldn't be doing this. Why am I? What is keeping me here? Now I feel as if I cannot come back up. The water is too strong. I don't want this. I can't sit up. I want to scream, but I can't.

So I let the darkness take me.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up later and I don't know where I am. All I know is I can't breathe. Okay, I can, but each breath is sharp and painful as if I can't get enough. I am gasping and I can't stop. I look frantically around the room for help, and then I see where I am.

Peeta is clutching onto me. We are on the bathroom floor. What is happening? I jump up quickly, holding the towel that covered me onto my body.

I begin to scream very nasty things at him. Because I don't know what is happening, but he must deserve it. Why else would I wake up, naked except for a towel, in Peeta's arms, if something wasn't going on.

I begin to calm down when I see he must have been crying. Really hard by the looks of it. Finally, my sense return and I realize Peeta would never try to pull something on me, but I can't formulate what happened in my head.

"What happened?" I ask him when I manage to finally stop gasping.

"Why don't you tell me?" He asks. I think he is trying to be cold, but his voice breaks. "What were you thinking? Why, Katniss?"

I look at the scene and slowly, I remember.

"I...I don't know…" I tell him. I can't bear to look him in the face.

I rush out of the room then. I hate it. I hate the feeling in the air. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate that I hurt Peeta. I hate the fact I feel this way. I just hate it. I run into another room after grabbing clothes, and dress myself, noticing the blue on my hands and face. I hear Peeta in the hallway, and walk out.

I don't look him in the face, but he grabs me and just holds me. I can hear him crying.

"Why would you do that Katniss? What were you planning on happening?"

"I…I don't even really know what happened…"

"Neither do I. One night, you seem bad, but like maybe, just maybe, there was hope. And then I come upstairs, and knock on the door to ask you something. And you don't respond. So I started banging. And no answer. I was worried, so I came in, and you were just lying there in the water! Like a dead weight! I thought you had left me, Katniss! You were barely breathing! Why would you do that?" He is practically yelling at me as he says this, which makes me cringe. Peeta never yells.

My words fail me each time I try and start. There is no explanation. There is nothing I can say or do to take back what I just did to Peeta.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Don't leave me. I can't do it with out you, Katniss. I can't," he says, the anger leaving just to be replaced with hurt.

"I won't go. I promise. I won't do anything like that again. I'm sorry." The words tumble out of my mouth.

"Is it really that bad, Katniss?"

"I don't know. I don't want to die, if that's what you mean. I was just…so scared of coming back up to face everything."

"I understand,"

"Thank you, Peeta."

He doesn't respond. He just holds me. I don't mind anymore. I guess Peeta has seen me all now. He has seen me weaker than I ever knew I was. He has seen me at my rawest, so there is no point in fighting his grasp any longer. It's comforting here.

Plus, I think I have hurt him enough today.

So I oblige when he forces me to the doctor for a check up. I think he lied and told them I must have slipped or something because they don't try to hand me more pills or anything. After a bunch of tests, they decide I am fine. Thanks to Peeta.

I'll never stop owing him.

I also oblige when he insists on taking care of me the next few days, even if I hate it. He stays with me almost all day, now. I don't mind it anymore.

I have had plenty near death experiences in my life, but none has been at my own hand. It is quite terrifying, I think, when I am in a better state of mind, to think I would do that to myself.

I can't comprehend it.

But I can get better, I tell myself. I have to. If not for me, than for Peeta. I hate the way he looks at me now. He looks so worried and afraid for me.

I have to convince him I am better. I am better, in a way. Not good, but better. I have to make him stop hurting. So I do the thing that somewhere deep inside me, I have wanted to do for a long time.

I kiss him.

We were sitting on the couch that day, making awkward small talk. He began to say something, but I cut him off. At first, I just lightly placed my lips against his. He looked quite shocked at first, but then he kisses back. When I pull away, I am almost afraid. Of what, I can't be sure. Afraid of the hunger building in my stomach. Afraid I started something I didn't want to. Or just simply afraid, because all I am is a scared little girl.

"What was that for?" He asks.

"I…um...I don't know," I say, blushing.

"It's okay, Katniss. I am not complaining," he says with a laugh.

"Oh?"

"I liked it a lot, actually."

"Really? Well, then, you won't mind this." I say, placing another deep kiss onto his lips. This time, though, the fear is gone and I am left with the hunger. It feels nice though. I haven't felt so good in a very long time.

"Are you coming back to me, Katniss?"

I ponder this. Am I? I feel so much more…alive. I feel that sliver of hope. I am coming back.

"I'm sorry I left, Peeta."

"Don't be sorry. You couldn't help it."

"Stay with me?"

"Always."

**A/N: I hope you like it! **


	3. Chapter 3

In the following days, I do find myself returning. Not all the way, but I find random bits of happiness in the days. I admit that most of them happen when my lips meet Peeta's.

The only really bad time was when Peeta had one of his episodes.

It was after dinner, and Greasy Sae had just left. I turned to say something to Peeta, but when I turned, he wasn't there anymore. I called out his name, but he didn't answer. I race around the house until I find him on one of the back rooms. He is in the corner of the room, curled into a ball. I run to him quickly, but he tries to get me to leave.

"I'm not going, Peeta. I promised to stay, remember? Now you stay with me, Okay?" I say, trying to coax him back. My arms try to encase him, but they don't completely fit around his large frame. I didn't know what to do, exactly; I just knew I couldn't let him go. I wouldn't. Eventually, I feel the tension leave his body.

"You okay?" I ask when he looks up at me.

"Better. Thank you…but next time, just let me get through it, okay? I don't want to hurt you on accident," he says, his voice soft and sounding broken.

"No, don't say that, I'm not leaving you."

"But…" He tries to protest, but I cut him off with a kiss.

"As much as I love kissing you, you should let me talk."

"It's not like I was going to listen anyways."

"I can't argue with that."

I bite my lip, unsure of what to say, or what to do. I help him stand up, still looking for the words to say.

"I think I am going to go…paint, or something…" he says softly.

"Okay." I say. He must want to be alone, I guess, and who am I to take that from him?

He begins to go, and he tells me goodbye, with his hand resting on the doorknob.

"You'll come back, right? Tonight?" I ask, fearing he wants to be alone for a long time.

"Of course. I love you."

Oh. He said it. I knew it was true, but it is weird to hear it. I want to say it back. It's true. I do love Peeta. I just can't say. Every thing I love gets taken away from me. So I smile back at him. It's terrible of me. Truly despicable, but I can't.

He returns the smile. He understands. Of course he does, he is Peeta.

When he is gone, the house is eerie. Peeta is almost always here now. Sometimes he goes home to get things or to paint. I guess I should have gotten used to him leaving because he says he is going to rebuild the bakery.

The silence is deafening. It feels so wrong here without Peeta now. I long to go to his house and see him, but I don't. Instead, I trudge over to Haymitch. He is drunk, as per usual.

"You're going to kill yourself." I mutter.

"Like you?"

"What?" I spin around on my heels to face him. He couldn't mean…

"Peeta told me. He was freaking out. I didn't know you had it in you."

"Neither did I. Maybe that's why I did it."

"You don't make much sense."

"How would you know? You're a drunk," I spit. He just laughs. I scowl. We haven't changed much.

"You're better now." He states. It isn't a question.

"Yes."

"Because of him."

"Yes."

"Because you love him."

I get up and leave.


	4. Chapter 4

Eventually, Peeta does return. It took too long for my taste, but his spirits seem to be lifted, so I can't really complain. I suddenly feel very guilty for not being able to admit how I feel about Peeta to anyone. I stormed off in anger after Haymitch suggested it. I try to mask he feelings, but Peeta, as always, sees through it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Don't shut me out…"

"I don't want to. I just don't…I'm no good with words.

"That's okay."

"I guess I am confused. I don't know. I feel bad because I can't give you anything in return for what you have done for me."

"Seeing you get better is everything I could have hoped for."

"I'm sorry…sorry for leaving…sorry for…" My voice breaks.

"I know, it's okay. Don't be sorry. You couldn't help it." He takes me into his arms. I think I'd like to stay here forever.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"About how glad I am you're coming back."

"I'm glad too. It's better. It really is."

And most days it is. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone, I want to wallow in the pain, the fear. I don't know why, but I do. I feel like it's mine and its comfortable and I know it so well. Sometimes Peeta can pull me out of it, and other times I push him and his efforts away.

The same goes for him. Some days he has episodes, although they aren't as frequent as mine. He always tells me to go away, but I don't. He doesn't leave when I get pulled back into the shadows either.

We can't leave each other. We _need_ each other.

So why do I resist?

These are the thoughts that swirl in my mind as I lay in bed. Better than normal, I must say. I turn over to face him, to watch him sleep. I can see the movement of his eyelids, telling me he is dreaming, but he doesn't cry out or thrash. He actually smiles. It must be a nice dream. I like watching Peeta sleep because he looks so much like the innocent boy I knew so long ago. His eyelids flutter as he wakes up. I am almost disappointed until he looks at me through his blond eyelashes. He smiles contently.

"You were having a good dream."

"You were watching me?"

"Um…yeah." I say blushing. "What were you dreaming about?"

"You," he admits.

"What about me?"

"You wouldn't like it…"

"What? No! Tell me!" _What could that mean?_ I wonder.

"Well…" he hesitates.

"Tell me!"

"I guess it was more about us. We were getting married."

"Oh." Now I understand his comment, but I question the validity of it. I want to say I hate it. Some part of me does, but some other part likes the idea. I just can't tell which is stronger.

"See, I told you."

"No! It's not that…" I let my words fade because I don't know how to continue. He doesn't respond either, but just looks into my eyes. We sit there for some time, just staring, content being lost in each other's gazes. We stay that way until we drift off to sleep.

The next morning, Peeta is gone when I wake up. At first, I assume he was just in the kitchen, but I can't find him. I call out his name with no answer. I search each room, but I don't see him. I bound out the door, and run to his house. Still no answer. Where is he? I start to shake from fear. Could some one have taken him? I thought it was over, everyone assured me it was over, and I never believed them. It looks as if now, I was right. Where could he have gone?

I try to calm myself down. Maybe he just went to check on Haymitch. I go to Haymitch's, but Haymitch is passed out on the floor- meaning Peeta isn't here. I just leave him there, trying to decide where to look next. _Maybe he needed air,_ I tell myself, trying to calmly walk back to my house. When I call out his name to no avail still, I resolve to curling myself into a ball on the floor. I must hold myself together until Peeta gets back- he has to come back.

The terrible thoughts try to enter my brain, and I find myself screaming. I can barely hear it, though, amongst the screams of Peeta in my mind. I try to calm myself down, but I can't. Only Peeta is ever able to calm me. Where is he?

Then, by some magic, I find arms slipping around me and picking me up. At first, I feared they were the arms of whoever took Peeta coming back for me, but they are not harsh. He holds me tightly whispering in my ear that he is here, and it is all okay.

"Where were you?" I demand, becoming angry.

"I went for a walk…I'm sorry, Kat-" he begins, trying to defend himself.

"No! Why didn't you tell me?" I yell.

"I didn't want to wake you!"

"You should have! Or left me a note! Or something!" I am still yelling.

"I'm sorry, I thought I would be back before you woke…"

"Don't do that, Peeta!" I say, but then it hits me. What I really did to him that day I was so stupid, but it was worse, what I did. Because I did it at my own hand.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" I tell him, holding onto him, refusing to let him go. He looks confused.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because…I understand now. What I did to you, but what I did was worse. Oh, Peeta, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Katniss. I understood. I understand."

I bury my face into his chest. It's warm here. I don't have to face the fear of Peeta leaving. Here I can hear his heart beat, his breath, all letting me know my Peeta is okay.

"Peeta?"

"Mhm?"

"We're never leaving each other, right?"

"How could we?"

Later that day, Peeta tells me he is teaching me how to bake a cake I want to protest, but that would mean I couldn't spend as much time with him, so I don't.

He lines the ingredients on the table. There's flour, sugar, something called 'shortening,' eggs, vanilla extract, milk, baking powder, and salt. I guess Peeta must have brought them here without me noticing. I eye the ingredients suspiciously, because I don't see how you could make something taste good with all of this.

Peeta sees me eyeing them and laughs, which causes a smile to appear on my face. He shows me how to mix them just so that they have the right 'consistency,' or whatever. We mix everything up and pour it into the pans, which also magically appeared. Or maybe came with the house. I have no idea.

After the cake is cooled, Peeta hands me a knife and shows me how to do the frosting so it is smooth. I give up quickly. Peeta tries to get me to keep going, but instead, I swipe the frosting onto his face. He looks as me shocked for a moment, but then begins to laugh and wipe frosting onto my face.

I gasp and try to scowl at him, but I end up laughing. It feels good to really laugh, especially after how I felt this morning.

I don't really know how, but then, I find myself kissing him. I realize it has been a while since we kissed. His lips are sweet against mine and warm, as always.

After that, I lay my head on his chest. I count the breaths, the heart beats, because these are the numbers keeping me alive. I want to say I am happy, and maybe I am partly, but I can still feel that terrible depression deep inside me, threatening to take hold.

"I wish it would go away completely, but I still feel it there. Lurking. Just waiting to take over again," I admit.

"It's only been two months since it went away, Katniss. It'll keep fading."

"How do you do it?"

"I keep busy. I have you. I think of the good things in every day."

Peeta has a way of saying those sort of things that you can't help but believe. He has a way of always giving me hope. He has a way of making me fall I love with him.

I can't keep hiding from the fact that is so obvious.

I am in love with Peeta Mellark.

It's scary, really scary. Every time I love something it gets taken. I won't let Peeta be taken from me. He is mine, forever. I'll protect him at all costs. I have to. Otherwise, I would die as well.


	5. Chapter 5

I let the warm water fall on me, as I stand unmoving. I take showers now, partly because I think it makes Peeta feel better and partly because I fear that the demon living inside me may come back at any time, without warning.

I have to decide what to do, because certainly, I cannot go on being so selfish all the time. I don't know how those three words are so easy for Peeta to say. Even thinking them is terrifying to me.

I sigh as I step out, deciding that even if I choose a time to try and confess, I would chicken out. The only way to face this problem would be to let the words come when they were ready. Otherwise, the meaning would be gone.

I go downstairs where it is silent. Today Peeta went to town to get the rebuilding of the bakery in motion. While I was happy he would get to move on finally, part of me was upset because this meant I would be alone in the days again. Of course, I could always visit Peeta, but I wouldn't want to be in his way.

I figure I need to find something to do with my time. Obviously, I could hunt, but I hadn't in so long. I wondered how the woods would even feel anymore. Would they be my sacred place still? I felt like the answer was no, they wouldn't. My sacred and safe place was nestled in Peeta's arms now. I decide to go anyways. I have to start somewhere, and I am definitely not strong like I once was, so I needed to build my strength back up.

I step outside into the sun and realize spring is coming. The weather is cool, but not cold, and the grass is becoming a bright green once again. It's hard to believe this means it has been a year since Peeta came back to District 12. My eyes take in the sight, until they settle on a single flower. Actually, it's a weed, I suppose, but not to me.

The first dandelion of springtime.

I sit down, right there in the middle of the yard. I stare at the small yellow petals. How could this beautiful plant be a weed? I sit there for some time just watching the dandelion sway in the wind. Before I even realize it, Peeta is sitting next to me. He doesn't say a word until I look at him.

"You know, everyone says they're weeds, but I like them," he says softly. I study his face. At times like these he still looks like the boy with the bread. The one who saved me. The one who has always saved me. His eyes become slightly confused looking as he tries to decipher some fact in his head.

"It is a weed, right? Real or not real?" He asks.

"Real, but I agree. They're too…pretty to be weeds," I respond, struggling to find the right words and settling for pretty even if it isn't right. He keeps asking me the real or not real questions on simple facts. Until he comes to one question. He whispers it softly, and the words are almost taken away by the wind, but I grab them back.

"You love me. Real or not real?"

And there it is. The moment to tell Peeta the truth. At first, the evil thing rises in me, bidding me to run, or to spit back a terrible lie. It tells me if I say the truth, Peeta will disappear. I see it's not real, though, as I gaze into Peeta's eyes with the dandelion dancing between us. I see that the evil thing is just that, evil.

So, I tell him, "Real."

Peeta's eyes take on the confused look again, but not it the harsh way they do when we need to play the game. The confused look is quickly replaced by a look of…glee. Then Peeta's lips have found my own. It's perfect. I can't describe it any other way. After pulling away, Peeta plucks the dandelion and places it behind my ear.

"Peeta?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry…" I begin, trying to explain why it took me so long to admit it.

"You don't need to explain."

"I was just so scared."

"Are you still scared?"

"Sometimes, but I guess…I know you'll always be there. You will, right?"

"Of course."

"Okay. Me too. Because…I love you."

"And I love you."

"Peeta?"

"Yes?"

"Are we still engaged?" I ask. His eyes light up as he laughs.

"I suppose so, if you'll still marry me."

"Of course I'll marry you!"

We both end up with that soft laughter that comes purely from being happy. Truly, without a doubt, happy. I can feel it running through my veins and I can't remember ever being this happy, this peaceful, and this hopeful.

Of course, I owe it all to Peeta. I owe everything I am to Peeta. At least now, he knows I love him.

"How did the meeting go?" I ask, as we lay down in the grass.

"Oh, it was good. We have to get the permits in order to rebuild it, but the construction should start in a few weeks."

"That's great," I say, and I can hear the smile in my voice. Spring is a good time. The weather is warmer, the grass greener, and the promise of new life. The promise I had just be given, or at least finally believed.

I go to push my sleeves up since I'm beginning to feel warm when I remember. My scars. Sure, I had seen them this morning, but I see them everyday. I didn't want Peeta to see them and I didn't want to see them more than I had too. To save the happy moment, I just pretend nothing happened, but it's too late. Peeta noticed, he always does.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of them, Katniss." How does he always know? I sigh and bring my knees to my chest, unsure of what to say. Of course, Peeta has scars too. He doesn't hide them like I do. He takes me into his arms and I feel selfish for ruining our moment of true happiness.

"You're beautiful, either way. They just show how strong you are. What you've been through."

I nod, accepting his words, but not full believing them.

Either way, that night is the first night I sleep in a tank top instead of the long sleeve shirts I had grown so accustomed to. I pretended I didn't notice Peeta tracing the lines the fire left on me when he thought I was asleep. I actually didn't mind for some reason, maybe because for the first time I felt pretty without the Capitols outfits and make up. I felt pretty as me.

I turned to face Peeta, revealing I was awake. In the moonlight streaming through the window, I can see him blush as he pulls his hand away.

"I don't mind," I admit, scooting closer to him. He lays his hand on my cheek, as if checking to see if I am real.

For the first night in a long time, I don't have nightmares.


	6. Chapter 6

I take it all in. The fresh smell of pine from the trees towering over my head, the blue poking through the tops of those trees, the flowers sticking up in the grass, the soft hum of the insects buzzing around, the scampering of animals as they awaken from their winter slumbers…It's all beautiful. It's like another home to me, the woods. I ponder why it has taken me so long to return. The memories are everywhere, of course, I see Gale laughing, I see him adjusting a snare, everywhere, he is there. I expect it to hurt, but it doesn't. I just feel comfortable, as if he is still here, watching my back. I settle down onto our old meeting place, and remember the last time we were here. We were filming propos for the war.

I sigh and will away the memories. It does no good to dwell on the past, you must simply find a way to move and keep going.

I had been back to the woods a few times since returning to District 12, but each time it felt wrong, and I left as soon as I arrived. Today it felt right. Maybe it was because the day was the warm, sunny days I've always loved so much. Maybe it's because I can see past the haze that held me for so long.

The air is full of life here. Each breath revives me. The air had once been terribly scary to breathe, full of ashes of those I once knew. _Don't think like that._ I tell myself, trying hard to forget the many days I refused to leave the house, fearful of whose ashes blew with the wind. Much after the reconstruction began and the air was clean, it still haunted me. _It's gone now, _becomes my mantra for the next few moments as I suppress the thoughts.

I make my way to the tree where I stored by bows, realizing I forgot the one left in the closet at home. The bow feels both strange and completely normal in my hands at the same time. My first few shots are terribly off, but I haven't used a bow in so long. The skill comes back quickly, though not as strong as it once was. I take down a few squirrels, and I am delighted to see two of them are shot right through the eye, just like I used to do.

Fatigue suddenly takes over. I decide to lie in the soft patch of moss under me, for just a moment, for just a rest. I briefly wonder what time it is, and if I should be going home, but I am much too tired to even begin to process the thoughts.

_There's still green everywhere, but the green feels wrong. It feels artificial. I take a look around and realize where I am- the arena. Why am I back here? I thought I escaped…I look around frantically for Peeta. I have to save him again, maybe I can even find him earlier this time…we would both suffer less then, right? As I am about to call out his name, I hear my own being called. At first, it is soft, like a whisper, but it becomes louder, more urgent, and I realize, filled with desperation. It's not Peeta; it's a girls voice screaming my name. A young girl. It's so familiar…who does it belong to? I try to place the sound, and run after it. Who is it, who is it, who is it? Then it clicks, it's Rue, screaming my name. I arrive to her spot, just like I did in the games, just in time to watch her die. She screams my name one last time._

I wake up suddenly. I have to remind myself it wasn't real. I turn to look for Peeta when I remember I am still in the woods. The sun is beginning to go down, and I realize I've been out here much longer than I intended. I hear my name called again, and I jump, but this time it wasn't Rue. It was Peeta. I shake my head to rid myself of the sound, thinking it's a dream, but it finally clicks that he is looking for me. I quickly stand up, and try to find him as he shouts my name over and over, _Katniss? Katniss are you out here? Katniss, where are you?_

I race towards the sound_; I have to get there quickly this time, before Marvel arrives_. No, I don't. This is not the Games. Peeta is safe, just looking for me. I shake my head, but call out any ways, trying to alert Peeta that I am safe as well. I finally make it to the entrance of the woods, where he is standing. He looks relieved to see me, and he takes me into his arms.

"Oh, Katniss where were you? I was so worried, worried that maybe you left me again…" he whispers softly, more to himself than to me. I feel terrible for staying here, I should have told Peeta I was going before he left this morning, but I didn't. I never think ahead like that. I take his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me.

"Peeta, I would never leave you, okay? I wasn't…I wasn't right then, but I'm better now. I promise. I just came out here, and I guess I was tired since I haven't been here in so long, I feel asleep," I explain. "I would never leave you, Peeta…" I say, repeating the words. It seems to make him feel better.

"Should we go home?" He asks.

"No, not just yet. We should go to the meadow. Watch the sunset." I say, knowing he would enjoy it, even if the thought of sitting on the grave slightly disturbs me. Peeta nods and gives me a smile, which I have to return, since his are almost always contagious. He takes me by the hand, and we walk to the top of the meadow together. We end up sitting just like we did the day on the training center roof before our second games, I realize. My head in his lap, watching the sunset.

"We can stay in the moment forever, Peeta. I never thought we could, but look at us. Just like that day…" I say, knowing he'll understand what I mean. His fingers brush my cheek as he smiles.

"So you mean it then? You won't leave?" His voice sounds so worried, as if he thinks I am going to flit away at any second. I laugh slightly.

"I could never leave you."

"I love you, Katniss," he tells me, but I don't respond. At least, not with words, but instead I pull his head down to my own, giving him a soft kiss. I think about our kisses then. They aren't frequent, really, only sporadically, but they are ours. They are not the false kisses forced upon us by the Capitol. They are my choice. I cherish each one, live in that moment brought to life with the feel of his lips on my own.

The sun begins it show then, slowly falling behind the horizon line. The sky is lit up all sorts of beautiful colors. Dark blue at the top, where the sun has already left, pink and orange and red light up the clouds, shimmering off the clouds. I gasp at the beautiful sight. I had forgotten how beautiful sunsets were. I hadn't watched one in so long. Then it's all gone, the colors melted away into one dark blue.

We walk back to the house in silence, but it's the good kind of silence that comes only when you don't want to ruin a perfect moment. When we arrive at the door, Peeta turns to me.

"Can we do this every day, Katniss? Watch the sunset together? We can put chairs on the porch," he asks.

"That sounds lovely," I say. Everything with Peeta sounds lovely to me.


End file.
